Field notes from a person who has been through many breakups.

Full transparency: I am always in a relationship. 

From middle school to high school to this very moment. I always seem to find myself head over heels in love with some charming beau who promised the world and then never delivered. 

I’ve met parents, ring shopped, and  “planned our future” more times than I’d like to admit. 

…which means I’ve been through a lot of breakups. 😪

Some were amicable and some were…odd. But in the end they all left me asking “what now?”.

What do I do with myself now that I won’t be moving to [random city where his job is] or now that I have all this free time?  

After all the crying and venting to anyone who’ll listen, I’m left with no choice but to sit with myself and decide what’s next. 

So that’s why I’m sharing this. 

Disclaimer: I try not to give unsolicited advice. But when asked…I tend to spill it all. 

Not too long ago a friend called me seeking breakup advice. I’ll be honest, when she told me what the call was about I immediately thought “damn, is that what people think of me?..the friend who’s always going through it? Have I really been through so much that my friends think I’m good at breakups?”

Honestly, I can’t be upset. It’s my truth and I own it. 

I won’t share the details of our conversation, but I will say that she and I have vastly different dating lives. I’m the friend who’s had several boyfriends over the years. And she’s the friend who (admirably) has been with the same guy since we were young. 

So when she called asking, “what tf does focusing on myself even mean?!” I wasn’t exactly surprised. It’s a legitimate question.

Anyway, I’ve learned that focusing on yourself is really just figuring out who you are outside of your relationship, and then creating a vision for your new life. Not a 5 year career plan or a depressing bucket list, but a real life map of who you are and what you want. 

*The key word here is ‘YOU’. You and your life. A life that’s not centered around your ex or based on what other people think you should do.

So here’s what I told her. The following questions are direct, from my own notes. 

Is it cringey that I casually have my own field guide for what to do when your relationship ends?

What does your life look like 6 months from now?

If 6 months is too far out, try 3 months. 

• Home Life
  • Where are you living? Have you moved into a place of your own? In with your parents? Or maybe you’re staying where you are– Is there anything you want to do with your current space? How will you spruce it up and clear out old energy?
• Appearance
  • How do you feel about your wardrobe? Do you love what’s in your closet? Or do your clothes represent an old identity you want to let go of? Is there a look you’ve always wanted to try? 
• Job/Career
  • How are you feeling about work? Hopefully things are stable and going well. If not, what does your work situation look like 3-6 months from now? Will you find a new job? Or perhaps start your own thing?
• Finances
  • How much money do you have? Are your accounts still connected to anyone else’s? Have you looked at your budget? What are your financial goals for the next few months?
• Family & Friends
  • How are your other relationships? Is there anyone you want to spend more time with right now?
• Leisure & Hobbies
  • Is there a trip you’ve been wanting to take? When you’re not working, how do you spend your evenings and off days? Is there a class or hobby you want to try? 

If you’re in a similar season, transitioning from one phase of life to the next, I hope these questions give you a bit of guidance.

And if you’re a visual person like me, turn this list into a vision board. Feel free to update it whenever you want to. I tend to get carried away and create a vision board for every season. But that’s a topic for another day. 

Anywho, I hope you found this helpful. Please leave a comment and let me know what you do to stay on track and focused on yourself. 

Thanks for reading. 🙂